you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
