sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
