That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
