Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
