dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
