this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
