Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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