I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
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