I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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