I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize