meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
