He uses pillows to masturbate.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
