Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
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