My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
i will never coherently bang her
worst night to have a conscience
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
