Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Come share oat with me in your robe
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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