I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
