this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
