I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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