Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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