I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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