I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Randomize
