I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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