it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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