Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
