my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
