There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
