U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
