My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
