two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Randomize
