I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
