6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
