Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
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