Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
