babies were throwing up all over the place
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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