Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
