somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
