It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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