Can i not drive my cunt home
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
