the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
