Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
