I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
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