Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
