I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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