it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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