you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
