so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
