The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
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