dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
