I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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