I wish my penis had an off switch
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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