i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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