Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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