the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
