god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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