My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Randomize