Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
