My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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