I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
