Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
It's Friday. Sex?
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
