why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
