OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
