She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
