Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Randomize
