Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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