I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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