I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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