I molested 6 butterflies tonight
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
