Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Drunk is not a location!
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
