Sponge bath it is.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
