I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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