At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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